These are just general pictures of the buildings. The matric park, hmm I see they’ve improved since we were there. That back door …. that was our little smokers corner and the one in front of the pavillion …. Oh I embarrassed myself too many times in the front of that place :D.
So what exactly has happened over the last two years? You’re asking me, but would say I wasn’t present or rather wished I wasn’t present for the half of it. The half where I had to go home and wait until you heard the car stop outside and worry about whether today it was drunk or sober. The half where if it was a Friday afternoon and he got home and the eyes were reddened then you already knew that the first 6 pack was out of the way and there would be absolutely no reprieve until Sunday night. The half where you would not be allowed to go to sleep because something always had to be said. Admission that you didn’t love him, admission that you’re the worst mother in the world, admission that you were just the most screwed up ‘thing’ to ever walk the face of the planet. Arguments and getting thrown out to sleep in the car and being woken up an hour or two later and being asked why you’re outside??? Then the fight starting from the beginning. This carried on until the end of October and two day before I was ready to leave I told him I was going. Then the tears and promises as there always were, I just could not give in again. I could not and would not live with that pressure and upheaval anymore and I left, I got out and escaped.
At least I did escape. Never ended up getting my stuff back, he destroyed everything or gave it away out of spite, but you know what? He ended up doing me a favor. I started building again from the bottom. I’ve had to start from the bottom twice before in my life, the first time I had to do it alone. But because of it I’ve grown and at least know to never allow myself to ever get into a situation like that again. I never heard from him since and pray I never walk into him again. There is so much anger still for what he did. And hope that one day I can just look back on it as a bad dream.
The other half of the time when I didn’t have to be around him or at ‘home’, I totally reveled in the time I spent at work. You see I met my best friend in the August of last year and with him just being there listening and being supportive seemed all I needed. The person who made me laugh more than I’d laughed in years. He was just a light sent at the right time and will eternally be grateful for him.
Well it wasn’t like a happy ending when I moved. That was when all the work really started. First of all having to make sure I bought beds so at least we had a place to sleep. Sleeping on the floor can be nice at times but not every night. It was learning to live on one income again, being responsible for the rent again, when I was used to that amount being there to ….. What was it there for? No, it was for him anyway. I was the one who had to run and pay bills when they wanted to cut the power, he was so far behind on that house it’s amazing the bank never took it back while I was there. So it was just juggling the money to pay for necessities and it ended up being short and me ending up in a bit of a financial mess. No, a mother of a mess is more like it. I don’t know yet how many years one bad choice is going to take to fix.
Eventually everything just seemed to get too much this year. When I ended up going for my annual check-up with the MS neuro, I just sat down and started crying telling how much I wished I could die. Within two days she had me in hospital and got a psychotherapist to start doing his mojo/voodoo. Well depression is unfortunately something I’ll be living with for the rest of my life. Spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric clinic just learning how to cope with stress better. It was the most amazing thing. Things that were opened up. Did a lot of good.
Well afterwards I’ve decided to go back to doing some art, reading, and even taken up learning to speak a third language. I’m meeting up with my friends again, instead of hiding. You know what? If people decide they don’t like me because I don’t have whatever, then those people can bend themselves over and ass rape themselves with a carrot.
This is as much as I feel like right now, but keep a wary eye open, my life is a movie in the making 😉
Wow, just looking back …. I didn’t even write about everything that was going on in my life way back when … news is where I am now, I am happily single, been around the block a few times and got those dent’s in my fenders, the rips in my jeans, still try and hold the pieces together but mostly perfection is my enemy. So what else does anybody really need to know about me errrr, watch this space as I’m getting to know myself again ;).
Just what exactly am I feeling today. It’s been 8 years. 8 years since my life took a different direction. I feel stronger, more independent and yet on a day like today, I remember. I remember what I had, I remember what I miss. Okay, so I’m with somebody else, but, is that really where I want to be. I thought so, but is it really what I wanted? Why do I stay when my heart tells me I should go? Because I don’t want to hurt anybody, and also scared of destroying the progress I’ve made with the boys. I keep telling him that if he continues to drink I’m going… sure, because I wasn’t working for 3 months I was using him a bit. Because of the verbal abuse anything I felt is gone. God could restore this, but and theres the problem, the but…. After last weekends excuse because it was my birthday he drank and celebrated and I dont’ drink, so the point was what exactly? Lets see what this weekend brings, he’s promised, I put my foot down, and if he can’t leave it, I know what I have to do. It’s going to destroy me if it continues, ugh.
So just what have I been up to? Been so incredibly busy, I think all I might need right about now is a good long holiday. But,things have been going fairly well. The dude at work turned out to be just that…….. eye candy :). Now to the really big news ….. I finally met someone I really like, I mean I really really like :P. Amazing, I was fed up with looking and this guy pitches up and totally sweeps me off my feet ;), as long as he doesn’t think he’s going to hand me the broom :). A little bit more is that he spoils me rotten, takes Deon into consideration and is part of everything (or nearly) everything we do ;). He is considerate, kind and we talk about anything and everything and it’s just like I’ve been waiting for this person for so long. But am nervous too :/. Just really not in the mood to get my heart stepped on and broken. Am trying to take this one day at a time but already feels like I can’t help but to feel something so special for this guy. I’m infatuated thus far. Here’s hoping that we go far :P.
Sometimes kids can be so entertaining, at other times frustrating.
Here, mister is digging for dinosaur bones. All sweet and innocent, mud in and out the house, but thats okay, we have prehistoric remains in our garden :). Now just to verify them and that is is not building rubble from when they built the place ;). When that Moola comes in, mom can afford to have them plant some new grass over the holes he was making in destroying my garden :O. But thats okay, it’s fascinating the way the imagination works :). And boy, does he have one.
You may notice that I have not written much about Michael. What can I say, other than when it comes to this child, I feel like I have totally failed him. He has always been such a loveable little boy, but the teenage hormones have turned him into a monster that nobody can do anything with. I have gone to see a social worker and she’s helping me work through some things so we can try and get him on the right track again.
Wish me luck
The reason I started this blog in the first place was to find a way to say goodbye. It never even really ended up that way. What I did do, was I wrote a letter and tore it up, while looking up at a group of stars, we agreed to look up to when he had to do his military service, and said goodbye. It was just that some of the things I had to say was so personal and actually having strangers read what I wanted to say I just couldn’t put it down here :). So today I just feel like just contemplating about where my life is right now.
I think I am a helluva strong person. I never really had one of those easy cruises in life and if anybody says did you ever experience this or that? Chances are I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt and smoked it. None of this was ever as bad as experiencing the loss of my soul mate. It took me forever to let go, and had to give up feeling guilty and forgive person/s who caused this. That was hard. The fear of saying goodbye, thinking that by doing this I was giving up on the love I felt for him. Yes, I still love him and I believe I always will, but after I said goodbye, it was more a feeling of farewell.
I survived. From going from 2 salaries to one, if I look back at that first year, I can’t believe I got through it. Things always had a way of going up and down. I took over a management position after that year, that put me in a better position financially. Did it for 2 years and I hated it :(. I’d rather be the person standing behind the kahuna and pushing them forward. So I fixed it, and moved to the big city to take a step down with the same company. Something I also thought I would never be able to do. It was tough again, salary was less and city life certainly cost more. Prospects with this company no longer seemed ideal, so I decided to start studying further to finally get that diploma and start going after a better job, but life was still lonely with nobody to just be there to help take care of the boys when I needed a break. So we needed to fix that to, so move from the south to the north to be closer to my sister so we could end up helping each other out when we needed someone. Did this move when I found a job in the same area (travelling here is hectic). But joys apon joys, I soon realised that the owner of this place was someone who loved money so much that he wouldn’t mind ruining people to to pull a fast buck, but held on looking for the right place. Things took a bit too long and the reserve bank stepped in to shut him down. Okay I knew it would happen, but really, that was just a bit too fast. I went for my first interview and got the job at a way bigger salary (I think I feel a change in the winds, says I) :). I am still here, and have worked my way around again, but I love my job that I’ve finally settled into. I have survived, I am strong, I am so much further than I thought possible.
What has happened with my boys in all this, we are still working on. Michael, is still living with my folks, and have learned that if I use incentives, I can get him to buckle down. I miss him alot, and am not a bad mother because he’s not living with me, it’s just for reasons of sanity. He has hit adolescence with avengence, and because I felt guilty for their loss I ended up doing more harm than good. I love him, but is working better this way, before we ended up as headlines in the newspaper. Deon, has never really had a male role model in his life. He is seeing a occupational therapist as he’s not as advanced as other children his age, but we’re working on getting all his problems sorted out too. I wonder sometimes that if he did have one, if it would have helped him at all. But we have survived, we’ve still got tons of work, but we’re getting there.
There is absolutely no relationship in my life, not due to lack of trying. I’ve been hurt way too many times now, that I am no longer looking. I suppose that if God had someone fall into my lap, I’d end up shoving him off. I suppose I have been lucky to have loved and been loved once, many don’t even get that one chance. If somebody had to come along now and drop his underpants on the floor for me to pick up? He’d better be wearing a crash helmet, because I’ll have a brick handy to clobber him one :). Okay, so I’m not entirely closed or given up on the idea of being with someone again, but I’m not going to go out of my way to find it.
Otherwise the latest healthwise ect. has already been put up here. I’m keeping myself positive about what the future holds. I will face one day as it comes and experience everything I can.
‘A house becomes a home when you can write ‘I love you’ on the furniture.’
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just
perfect – ‘in case someone came over’
Finally I realised one day that no-one came over;
they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don’t have to explain the ‘condition’ of my home.
They are more interested in hearing about the things I’ve been doing while I
was away living life and having fun.
If you haven’t figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must ………….
but wouldn’t it be better to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?!
Dust if you must, but there’s not much time . . . .
with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb ,
music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must, but the world’s out there with the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.
Dust if you must ,
but bear in mind, old age will come and it’s not kind. . .
And when you go – and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!
Sheesh, been quite a whole since I posted. Grief, time to wake up out of this fugue.
Okay so we started the meds and every second day it’s finding a new place to inject. Believe it or not….. I am doing this myself :P. (Hark, I hear a horn blowing in the distance 🙂 ). It’s not difficult at all. Am finding it so easy and no side effects thus far.
Woke up with the flu last week, and as usual become a real male when I’m sick. Yep, I WANT MY MOMMY :P. Those are the days when things get extremely difficult and just want someone to take care of me for a bit :). Just have felt so damn exhausted and wishing that I had a little wand so that the house could just miraculously be cleaned (Ugh, a bomb hit and am living in the aftermath at the moment). As for Deon and the little behaviour chart, mom has gone into anything for peace mode, which I know I shouldn’t but give me a break okay?
Michael has been a total angel. Sweetness itself. This thing of do for me and I’ll do for you seems to work with him. Other than that my mother outlaw has been on the go again. She won’t ask my mom anything but prefers to phone me who is hours away, to moan about rubbish. Of course pills that she gave Michael were taken away. Hello, if the headache’s not gone in an hour he’ll help himself again :O. Don’t have to be a genius for that one.
Other than the bitching parts, things are REALLY going okay. I have a wonderful family who will always do anything they can for me. What more could anybody really ask for :)?
So we are starting on betaferon on Monday. Can’t wait but also nervous with reading about side effects. Wonder if reading all this info is such a good idea, because you read some pretty scary stuff. I get so fed up with myself sometimes. I can forget the simplest things. Duh, its enough to drive you to distraction. I can’t have a bloomin hot bath, and believe me thats the worst part for me especially with it being the middle of winter here :(. Okay enough moaning :D.
I have decided to give Deon a chart with a few things that need to be done daily. He gets either a smiley face 🙂 or a frowny face 😦 for what was done or not done. This determines if he deserves even the smallest things like sweets, the longer he keeps up, the more he can expect. I just totally let both go when Rudi died. I can definitely kick myself for that now but at the time you end up feeling so sorry for them, but in the end all you have are these monsters who appreciate absolutely nothing. I love them to death but I certainly did not do them any favours. But this is another mountain, and what doesn’t kill me will certainly make me stronger.
Okay, starting to feel like Hercules already 😛