Empathy and Sympathy

rock heart

Empathy and Sympathy.  I used to be the most sympathetic and empathetic person I knew.  Something broke.

Today I was thinking that before my husband passed I could see an animal that was knocked over and have such a soft heart and shed a tear.  I’d feel sad when somebody died and wonder what that feeling was like.  I’d been protected.  Before him, well to say I’ve still got my kids, my brother and sisters, my parents are still going strong, so nothing could prepare me for that first loss.  Automatically empathy kicked in when someone else lost their partner at a young age and was left with little ones to raise on their own.  My feelings of sadness when an animal was left laying dead on the side of the road were replaced with yes, it’s sad but not in a class of human loss of life.  I’d become harder.

Then I was diagnosed with MS when I was 34.  I’ve now realized that people who are on their deathbeds when they have nothing more than the sniffles or a stomach ache are the biggest babies.  I find myself in pain and I won’t complain because I don’t want sympathy.  I’ll deal with it.  It’s part of my life.  I am stronger than those babies.  I want to scream at them and tell them to wake the Flower up.  I’ve become harder yet.

I won’t even mention the hell I’ve been through on numerous occasions.  Nobody has had to live my life, and if you’d try park your pretty petunia’s in my boots, you’d commit suicide in 5 seconds.

I don’t know if I can be fixed to feel sympathy anymore.  I can empathize with those who I can relate to, but please do not ask me to sympathize when you’ve broken your toe. My life has been filled with enough pain for 10 lifetimes.  I was such a baby but life made me grow up.  I don’t know if I could find that person I was 15 years ago, and don’t know if I want to find all of her.  All I know is life makes you stronger or it breaks those who don’t have guts to grow some nuggets.  I’ll keep mine thank-you.

But before I go I will say that even though I cannot sympathize because you threw you oars away and are up shit creek because of your poor choices, I will still help where I can and can still put the needs of others before mine.  It seems I have to get bigger ones and harden up some more.

By murphysmadhouse

Luck and Choice

 

4 years since I last penned anything new and still I have no idea.  Okay maybe I have some ideas but in the end everyone’s lives end up about being about luck.

Now being a believer I’ve seen people just about going hysterical even if you just say ‘touch wood’, no, it’s just a saying.  Honestly though, think about when, where and circumstances you are born into.  We do not choose where we are born, our parents or whether we are born into families of means and influence or you are born into poverty.  What would one call that?  LUCK no?

Sometimes people do just have rotten luck.  Life doesn’t get planned with what is definitely going to happen tomorrow, it’s all about … what would you call it? ….. Luck, right?

I did not choose my parents, wonderful as they are.  I did not choose where I was born, but yeah I chose to come back to this one horse town, and the horse is avoiding the potholes too.  That is CHOICE.  I did not choose to have a red head dragon as a teacher who ruined countless children’s confidence irreparably.  I did not choose the abuse.  It did lead me to choose not to study because it was a norm that no matter how hard you studied, you still get beaten by the dragon.  So getting through with no studies and C’s it was all pretty good.

I did not choose to fall in love with a wonderful man who loved me with all he had.  I chose to marry him but did not choose to have him die.  We may have had little but it was the happiest I ever was and considered myself LUCKY.

I did not choose to raise kids on my own.  I chose what work I wanted and where it would be which gave me less time to be a parent.

I chose to move to improve my study and job opportunities.  I did not choose that I’d sometimes work for the greatest people or sometimes the worst cretins imaginable.

I did not choose to have MS invade my life and eventually have it take away everything I worked so hard for.  I did however choose to finally be medically boarded but not that being medically boarded would make me seem useless to the eyes of banks and financial institutions.  I also did not choose to that ‘these’ would make me concerned of losing my independence.  I can however choose to fight.  Whether I’ll have any LUCK in a country where nobody gives a continental waffle about the work they do or the lives they ruin in process, I just don’t know.

So, at the end of the day I believe that LUCK and CHOICE go hand in hand.  You may not CHOOSE  and be UNLUCKY or you may CHOOSE and be LUCKY or the other way around.  Time to stock up on some horse shoes, four leaf clovers and hide all the mirrors.  I sure need some LUCK on my side for a change.

 

 

By murphysmadhouse