2012 the end is nigh

Ugh, lost my password and the place I’ve been in has kept me from bothering retrieving it. I mean if you can’t remember your arse from your elbow do you think I can remember which e-mail address I registered under? But, I obviously had a brain fart and remembered after the kazzillionth try, okay okay, I’m exaggerating, but aren’t I always? 🙂

Currently living the life of whoop di freaking do. Tell all … No … Tell some pending.

Worst of my year was Michael telling me his gf was pregnant. Best was when she was born. She’s the most gorgeous little angel.

Post on what it was like becoming a grandma and pics pending.

Currently, I’m on temporary disability due to the MS. Fighting the depression and forgetfulness demons I feel like a dragon slayer already. Just not knowingv where I am headed and living in limbo has been placing unecessary weight on my shoulders.

Learning new things which have kept me occupied and given me loads of time to think. Pics pending on this too.

Also trying to sort out my faith in this time too. I’m sure God will forgive my moods because he can see what’s happening in ‘Houston’.

Empathy and Sympathy

Empathy and Sympathy.  I used to be the most sympathetic and empathetic person I knew.  Something broke.

Today I was thinking that before my husband passed I could see an animal that was knocked over and have such a soft heart and shed a tear.  I’d feel sad when somebody died and wonder what that feeling was like.  I’d been protected.  Before him, well to say I’ve still got my kids, my brother and sisters, my parents are still going strong, so nothing could prepare me for that first loss.  Automatically empathy kicked in when someone else lost their partner at a young age and was left with little ones to raise on their own.  My feelings of sadness when an animal was left laying dead on the side of the road were replaced with yes, it’s sad but not in a class of human loss of life.  I’d become harder.

Then I was diagnosed with MS when I was 34.  I’ve now realized that people who are on their deathbeds when they have nothing more than the sniffles or a stomach ache are the biggest babies.  I find myself in pain and I won’t complain because I don’t want sympathy.  I’ll deal with it.  It’s part of my life.  I am stronger than those babies.  I want to scream at them and tell them to wake the Flower up.  I’ve become harder yet.

I won’t even mention the hell I’ve been through on numerous occasions.  Nobody has had to live my life, and if you’d try park your pretty petunia’s in my boots, you’d commit suicide in 5 seconds.

I don’t know if I can be fixed to feel sympathy anymore.  I can empathize with those who I can relate to, but please do not ask me to sympathize when you’ve broken your toe. My life has been filled with enough pain for 10 lifetimes.  I was such a baby but life made me grow up.  I don’t know if I could find that person I was 15 years ago, and don’t know if I want to find all of her.  All I know is life makes you stronger or it breaks those who don’t have guts to grow some nuggets.  I’ll keep mine thank-you.

But before I go I will say that even though I cannot sympathize because you threw you oars away and are up shit creek because of your poor choices, I will still help where I can and can still put the needs of others before mine.  It seems I have to get bigger ones and harden up some more.

Luck and Choice

 

4 years since I last penned anything new and still I have no idea.  Okay maybe I have some ideas but in the end everyone’s lives end up about being about luck.

Now being a believer I’ve seen people just about going hysterical even if you just say ‘touch wood’, no, it’s just a saying.  Honestly though, think about when, where and circumstances you are born into.  We do not choose where we are born, our parents or whether we are born into families of means and influence or you are born into poverty.  What would one call that?  LUCK no?

Sometimes people do just have rotten luck.  Life doesn’t get planned with what is definitely going to happen tomorrow, it’s all about … what would you call it? ….. Luck, right?

I did not choose my parents, wonderful as they are.  I did not choose where I was born, but yeah I chose to come back to this one horse town, and the horse is avoiding the potholes too.  That is CHOICE.  I did not choose to have a red head dragon as a teacher who ruined countless children’s confidence irreparably.  I did not choose the abuse.  It did lead me to choose not to study because it was a norm that no matter how hard you studied, you still get beaten by the dragon.  So getting through with no studies and C’s it was all pretty good.

I did not choose to fall in love with a wonderful man who loved me with all he had.  I chose to marry him but did not choose to have him die.  We may have had little but it was the happiest I ever was and considered myself LUCKY.

I did not choose to raise kids on my own.  I chose what work I wanted and where it would be which gave me less time to be a parent.

I chose to move to improve my study and job opportunities.  I did not choose that I’d sometimes work for the greatest people or sometimes the worst cretins imaginable.

I did not choose to have MS invade my life and eventually have it take away everything I worked so hard for.  I did however choose to finally be medically boarded but not that being medically boarded would make me seem useless to the eyes of banks and financial institutions.  I also did not choose to that ‘these’ would make me concerned of losing my independence.  I can however choose to fight.  Whether I’ll have any LUCK in a country where nobody gives a continental waffle about the work they do or the lives they ruin in process, I just don’t know.

So, at the end of the day I believe that LUCK and CHOICE go hand in hand.  You may not CHOOSE  and be UNLUCKY or you may CHOOSE and be LUCKY or the other way around.  Time to stock up on some horse shoes, four leaf clovers and hide all the mirrors.  I sure need some LUCK on my side for a change.

 

 

Odd

“Without faith to act as a governor, the human mind is a runaway worry generator, a dynamo of negative expectations. And because your life is yours to shape as you wish with free will, if you entertain too much anxiety about too many things, if you place no trust in providence, what you fear will more often come to pass. We make so many of our own troubles, from mere mishaps to disasters, by dwelling on the possibility of them until the possible becomes inevitable.” – Dean Koontz – Odd Apocalypse

Layla-Lee

https://m.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=4814399880587&id=1314000101&set=a.2266532985507.132547.1314000101&refid=17

Grandma (giving new meaning to the phrase grab a granny)

Nobody prepared me for the day I’d become a ‘grandmother’. That ‘word’ has been a swear word for the past few months and still feels foreign even though for those few months I’ve been trying to prepare myself for this. I suppose tweaking the ‘word’ slightly to ‘Nana’ or so seems to make it better.

My brain just did not compute that at 38 I’d be a grandmother while others out there are only starting their journeys into parenthood. Wasn’t I relieved when I discovered that I didn’t hold the record for being the youngest. She was 23 and I googled that (blush) ;).

Further complicating matters was concerning myself with what others might think, but my situation is not unique by any means. We raise our kids to the best of our abilities but their comes a time when they follow their own path and start making their own choices, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Do we stop loving them? No, love them nonetheless if not more.

Last night at 11:48 my granddaughter was born. I have not anticipated the amount of love I would feel when I saw that first picture. I never had a daughter of my own, even though I hoped I would, but instead have been blessed with her.

So it seems in all the worrying, fighting and confusion when this little girl was born, so was a Grandmother.

MONDAY MORNINGS

Could always put the slurp up like a periscope and breath …. hehe, too cute

Things to be Thankful for

Today it’s Monday morning, totally overdid the weekend physically that I’ve got this mother of a headache and can be seen as an Elvis impersonator doing ‘all shook up’ or some other version ‘shake rattle and roll’.  But if anything, I’m still as stubborn as anything and if I can do it I’ll just keep pushing while I can.

I firstly am thankful for being able to get up this morning, with so many of us out there who can’t even get up anymore.  I am excited about Michael started his first little part time job, I can’t be there to hold his hand but he needs some extra spending money so am holding thumbs he’s going to make the best of it.

One thing I am so thankful for, it’s been loomin for a while …. I am thankful that I have had the experience of true love.  Currently looking at some friends being around the mill a few times, divorced more than one, break ups, left right and centre.  I am fortunate to have loved and be loved in return.  So many never even get the chance.

1 Decade down, how many more to go?

Faced my 10 year mark last month.  So I sat and thought …. 1 Decade, or 10 years, or 120 months, 520 weeks or 3653 days.  ??? What does it matter really?

I took about 10 minutes just to crap him out.  Yes, I am pissed off that he died.  Ok, at times, this isn’t constant.  I miss him, but this also isn’t a constant.  Do I need him? Some times for than others.  And do I love him?  Most definitely, absolutely, certainly, positively, unquestionably,  without a doubt, undeniably YES. 

So my most wonderful brain bubble was that no matter how much time goes by, no matter what experiences I go through, and believe me it’s been a helluva decade, I know that I will love him until the day I die and beyond. 

I’ve come to the realization that even though I smile and laugh and have fun, sometimes I think of him and wonder what it would have been like for him to hear that joke, go on that ride, experience this or THAT J. 

‘You live in a little place inside my heart  and every so often I hear an echo, feel a memory, and remember your constant smile’

My boys …..

Just messing around 🙂