2012 the end is nigh

Ugh, lost my password and the place I’ve been in has kept me from bothering retrieving it. I mean if you can’t remember your arse from your elbow do you think I can remember which e-mail address I registered under? But, I obviously had a brain fart and remembered after the kazzillionth try, okay okay, I’m exaggerating, but aren’t I always? 🙂

Currently living the life of whoop di freaking do. Tell all … No … Tell some pending.

Worst of my year was Michael telling me his gf was pregnant. Best was when she was born. She’s the most gorgeous little angel.

Post on what it was like becoming a grandma and pics pending.

Currently, I’m on temporary disability due to the MS. Fighting the depression and forgetfulness demons I feel like a dragon slayer already. Just not knowingv where I am headed and living in limbo has been placing unecessary weight on my shoulders.

Learning new things which have kept me occupied and given me loads of time to think. Pics pending on this too.

Also trying to sort out my faith in this time too. I’m sure God will forgive my moods because he can see what’s happening in ‘Houston’.

By murphysmadhouse

Odd

“Without faith to act as a governor, the human mind is a runaway worry generator, a dynamo of negative expectations. And because your life is yours to shape as you wish with free will, if you entertain too much anxiety about too many things, if you place no trust in providence, what you fear will more often come to pass. We make so many of our own troubles, from mere mishaps to disasters, by dwelling on the possibility of them until the possible becomes inevitable.” – Dean Koontz – Odd Apocalypse

By murphysmadhouse

Grandma (giving new meaning to the phrase grab a granny)

Nobody prepared me for the day I’d become a ‘grandmother’. That ‘word’ has been a swear word for the past few months and still feels foreign even though for those few months I’ve been trying to prepare myself for this. I suppose tweaking the ‘word’ slightly to ‘Nana’ or so seems to make it better.

My brain just did not compute that at 38 I’d be a grandmother while others out there are only starting their journeys into parenthood. Wasn’t I relieved when I discovered that I didn’t hold the record for being the youngest. She was 23 and I googled that (blush) ;).

Further complicating matters was concerning myself with what others might think, but my situation is not unique by any means. We raise our kids to the best of our abilities but their comes a time when they follow their own path and start making their own choices, whether good or bad, right or wrong. Do we stop loving them? No, love them nonetheless if not more.

Last night at 11:48 my granddaughter was born. I have not anticipated the amount of love I would feel when I saw that first picture. I never had a daughter of my own, even though I hoped I would, but instead have been blessed with her.

So it seems in all the worrying, fighting and confusion when this little girl was born, so was a Grandmother.

By murphysmadhouse

Things to be Thankful for

Today it’s Monday morning, totally overdid the weekend physically that I’ve got this mother of a headache and can be seen as an Elvis impersonator doing ‘all shook up’ or some other version ‘shake rattle and roll’.  But if anything, I’m still as stubborn as anything and if I can do it I’ll just keep pushing while I can.

I firstly am thankful for being able to get up this morning, with so many of us out there who can’t even get up anymore.  I am excited about Michael started his first little part time job, I can’t be there to hold his hand but he needs some extra spending money so am holding thumbs he’s going to make the best of it.

One thing I am so thankful for, it’s been loomin for a while …. I am thankful that I have had the experience of true love.  Currently looking at some friends being around the mill a few times, divorced more than one, break ups, left right and centre.  I am fortunate to have loved and be loved in return.  So many never even get the chance.

By murphysmadhouse

1 Decade down, how many more to go?

Faced my 10 year mark last month.  So I sat and thought …. 1 Decade, or 10 years, or 120 months, 520 weeks or 3653 days.  ??? What does it matter really?

I took about 10 minutes just to crap him out.  Yes, I am pissed off that he died.  Ok, at times, this isn’t constant.  I miss him, but this also isn’t a constant.  Do I need him? Some times for than others.  And do I love him?  Most definitely, absolutely, certainly, positively, unquestionably,  without a doubt, undeniably YES. 

So my most wonderful brain bubble was that no matter how much time goes by, no matter what experiences I go through, and believe me it’s been a helluva decade, I know that I will love him until the day I die and beyond. 

I’ve come to the realization that even though I smile and laugh and have fun, sometimes I think of him and wonder what it would have been like for him to hear that joke, go on that ride, experience this or THAT J. 

‘You live in a little place inside my heart  and every so often I hear an echo, feel a memory, and remember your constant smile’

By murphysmadhouse

My boys …..

Just messing around 🙂

By murphysmadhouse

Blast from the past 20 year reunion

These are just general pictures of the buildings. The matric park, hmm I see they’ve improved since we were there. That back door …. that was our little smokers corner and the one in front of the pavillion …. Oh I embarrassed myself too many times in the front of that place :D.

By murphysmadhouse

The past two years….

So what exactly has happened over the last two years?  You’re asking me, but would say I wasn’t present  or rather wished I wasn’t present for the half of it.  The half where I had to go home and wait until you heard the car stop outside and worry about whether today it was drunk or sober.  The half where if it was a Friday afternoon and he got home and the eyes were  reddened then you already knew that the first 6 pack was out of the way and there would be absolutely no reprieve until Sunday night.  The half where you would not be allowed to go to sleep because something always had to be said.  Admission that you didn’t love him, admission that you’re the worst mother in the world, admission that you were just the most screwed up ‘thing’ to ever walk the face of the planet.  Arguments and getting thrown out to sleep in the car and being woken up an hour or two later and being asked why you’re outside??? Then the fight starting from the beginning.  This carried on until the end of October and two day before I was ready to leave I told him I was going.  Then the tears and promises as there always were, I just could not give in again.  I could not and would not live with that pressure and upheaval anymore and I left, I got out and escaped. 

At least I did escape.  Never ended up getting my stuff back, he destroyed everything or gave it away out of spite, but you know what?  He ended up doing me a favor.  I started building again from the bottom.  I’ve had to start from the bottom twice before in my life, the first time I had to do it alone.  But because of it I’ve grown and at least know to never allow myself to ever get into a situation like that again.  I   never heard from him since and pray I never walk into him again.  There is so much anger still for what he did.  And hope that one day I can just look back on it as a bad dream.

The other half of the time when I didn’t have to be around him or at ‘home’, I totally reveled in the time I spent at work.  You see I met my best friend in the August of last year and with him just being there listening and being supportive seemed all I needed.  The person who made me laugh more than I’d laughed in years.  He was just a light sent at the right time and will eternally be grateful for him.

Well it wasn’t like a happy ending when I moved.  That was when all the work really started.  First of all having to make sure I bought beds so at least we had a place to sleep.  Sleeping on the floor can be nice at times but not every night.  It was learning to live on one income again, being responsible for the rent again, when I was used to that amount being there to ….. What was it there for?  No, it was for him anyway.  I was the one who had to run and pay bills when they wanted to cut the power, he was so far behind on that house it’s amazing the bank never took it back while I was there.   So it was just juggling the money to pay for necessities and it ended up being short and me ending up in a bit of a financial mess.  No, a mother of a mess is more like it.  I don’t know  yet how many years one bad choice is going to take to fix. 

Eventually everything just seemed to get too much this year.   When I ended up going for my annual check-up with the MS neuro, I just sat down and started crying telling how much I wished I could die.  Within two days she had me in hospital and got a psychotherapist to start doing his mojo/voodoo.  Well depression is unfortunately something I’ll be living with for the rest of my life.  Spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric clinic just learning how to cope with stress better.  It was the most amazing thing.  Things that were opened up.  Did a lot of good.

Well afterwards I’ve decided to go back to doing some art, reading, and even taken up learning to speak a third language.  I’m meeting up with my friends again, instead of hiding.  You know what?  If people decide they don’t like me because I don’t have whatever, then those people can bend themselves over and ass rape themselves with a carrot. 

This is as much as I feel like right now, but keep a wary eye open, my life is a movie in the making 😉

P

By murphysmadhouse