My boys …..

Just messing around

Blast from the past 20 year reunion

These are just general pictures of the buildings. The matric park, hmm I see they’ve improved since we were there. That back door …. that was our little smokers corner and the one in front of the pavillion …. Oh I embarrassed myself too many times in the front of that place .

The past two years….

So what exactly has happened over the last two years?  You’re asking me, but would say I wasn’t present  or rather wished I wasn’t present for the half of it.  The half where I had to go home and wait until you heard the car stop outside and worry about whether today it was drunk or sober.  The half where if it was a Friday afternoon and he got home and the eyes were  reddened then you already knew that the first 6 pack was out of the way and there would be absolutely no reprieve until Sunday night.  The half where you would not be allowed to go to sleep because something always had to be said.  Admission that you didn’t love him, admission that you’re the worst mother in the world, admission that you were just the most screwed up ‘thing’ to ever walk the face of the planet.  Arguments and getting thrown out to sleep in the car and being woken up an hour or two later and being asked why you’re outside??? Then the fight starting from the beginning.  This carried on until the end of October and two day before I was ready to leave I told him I was going.  Then the tears and promises as there always were, I just could not give in again.  I could not and would not live with that pressure and upheaval anymore and I left, I got out and escaped. 

At least I did escape.  Never ended up getting my stuff back, he destroyed everything or gave it away out of spite, but you know what?  He ended up doing me a favor.  I started building again from the bottom.  I’ve had to start from the bottom twice before in my life, the first time I had to do it alone.  But because of it I’ve grown and at least know to never allow myself to ever get into a situation like that again.  I   never heard from him since and pray I never walk into him again.  There is so much anger still for what he did.  And hope that one day I can just look back on it as a bad dream.

The other half of the time when I didn’t have to be around him or at ‘home’, I totally reveled in the time I spent at work.  You see I met my best friend in the August of last year and with him just being there listening and being supportive seemed all I needed.  The person who made me laugh more than I’d laughed in years.  He was just a light sent at the right time and will eternally be grateful for him.

Well it wasn’t like a happy ending when I moved.  That was when all the work really started.  First of all having to make sure I bought beds so at least we had a place to sleep.  Sleeping on the floor can be nice at times but not every night.  It was learning to live on one income again, being responsible for the rent again, when I was used to that amount being there to ….. What was it there for?  No, it was for him anyway.  I was the one who had to run and pay bills when they wanted to cut the power, he was so far behind on that house it’s amazing the bank never took it back while I was there.   So it was just juggling the money to pay for necessities and it ended up being short and me ending up in a bit of a financial mess.  No, a mother of a mess is more like it.  I don’t know  yet how many years one bad choice is going to take to fix. 

Eventually everything just seemed to get too much this year.   When I ended up going for my annual check-up with the MS neuro, I just sat down and started crying telling how much I wished I could die.  Within two days she had me in hospital and got a psychotherapist to start doing his mojo/voodoo.  Well depression is unfortunately something I’ll be living with for the rest of my life.  Spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric clinic just learning how to cope with stress better.  It was the most amazing thing.  Things that were opened up.  Did a lot of good.

Well afterwards I’ve decided to go back to doing some art, reading, and even taken up learning to speak a third language.  I’m meeting up with my friends again, instead of hiding.  You know what?  If people decide they don’t like me because I don’t have whatever, then those people can bend themselves over and ass rape themselves with a carrot. 

This is as much as I feel like right now, but keep a wary eye open, my life is a movie in the making

P

I IS BACK

Wow, just looking back ….  I didn’t even write about everything that was going on in my life way back when …  news is where I am now, I am happily single, been around the block a few times and got those dent’s in my fenders, the rips in my jeans, still try and hold the pieces together but mostly perfection is my enemy.  So what else does anybody really need to know about me errrr, watch this space as I’m getting to know myself again .