Ballito Bay

Wow, had a stange weekend away.  Strange in that so much happenned and the opportunity to get closer before the move.  Well, to start off with we went away for 4 days to Ballito Bay.  I have never been spoilt in such before.  Okay I have been spoilt, but being treated to a holiday home right on the rocks on the beach.  I’d usually be happy with a little holiday apartment up in the sky, nothing elaborate.  This time a huge holiday home, and didn’t really even need the space .  Just lovely having something so special done for me.  Well the weekend consisted our first argument …… okay ssssssssssssssssssss.   , nothing bad just getting to know each other much better.  Stange in the way that I don’t fear fighting with him and know I can say whatever I need to without fear, if that makes any sense.  Anyway I am going to be posting a few pics and you can see how beautiful the view was.

So today I count off the hours and no longer days to the move.  Am on the move tomorrow.  In the past 2 weeks I have gone from excitement to panic, back to excitement to nervousness.  Just been alone with the boys since Rudi’s death and know this is going to be an adjustment and so looking forward to being a family again.  I know there will be a few issues with Michael, he’s older and he’s never happy about me having a man in my life.  Deon on the other hand, being too young to have bonded with his dad, is so happy.  Would say they just don’t the new rules much, they so used to mom being soft and allowing alot .

So peeps, wish me luck as I gear up for the next chapter of my life.

NEWS ….. READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!!

Good grief I certainly haven’t kept up with my blogging. Just so many things happening.  The stars did say that this was going to be my year and was eventually thinking ….. duh, nothing’s happening and then whammo out of the blue everything starts moving.

Joyce Meyer loves saying: “God might not be early, but he’ll never be late”.  Yes, his time is eternity so I suppose it doesn’t make much difference if I think I’ve aged while waiting huh?

The news is…. I’ve finally met the man I asked Him for years ago, it took so long I even forgot what I asked him for and wham it hits you like a ton of bricks .  Okay so he’s alot older, but what we have is such a mature love.  Remember the problems with the boys?  Well he accepts and loves them as part of me and helps me to sort things out.  The MS isn’t even an issue, he’s read up about it, and not worried and says we’ll face whatever comes together.  He calls me Princess, and don’t I just feel like one?  I can’t remember when I’ve felt so loved and taken care of , it’s so amazing.  We even go to church together, something i’ve never done even with Rudi.  I feel like my own Ruth story has happened and so blessed to have this man in my life. 

Well next news is I’m moving at the end of the month and yes, we’re moving in together.  I’m excited and yet slightly nervous because I’ve been living on my own since forever and have to make all those decisions alone, so hey, why nervous?  Just going to be an adjustment, but we’ll be fine, because he runs his own business, so often works a little late or over weekends which helps me just have a bit of space to myself.

Wish me luck and will try and send some updates soon.

AND THE BUBBLE BURST :(

Okay, went extremely well for quite a while there.  Have absolutely no idea what happened but he disappeared and not anwering any e-mails messages or calls.  So I give up.  Tired of thinking, yes, he’s under alot of pressure and stress and he’s got trust issues to work out.  Tell you what, If it’s meant to be he’ll come back or else God is still getting the perfect person ready for me .  Thing is it could have been a bit of my fault too.  I suffer from MS and as the doctor explained to me last week, If I get a new lesion (scar) on my brain, the brain gives off extra chemicals to repair this and throws the mental balance thing out of sync .  I waited too long to go see her and I think he saw a very low, depressed me and ran for the hills.  Okay, so whoever decides they love me enough has to love all of me.  This is not a disease I can wish away.  I take care of it and am still at the learning stages and suppose everytime anything happens I’ll just learn new things.  Now I take extra of the ‘happy pill’ and am very very happy .  But also have to learn that when I’m okay again I have to bring the dose down slowly again .  Erm, not just yet though, only been a week. 

I just wish that I could have explained that properly to him before he decided to hit the road jack or hop on the bus gus .  I miss him, and yes okay after 3 and a half years the sex was definitely good .  But other than still thinking about him every day I’m trusting that everything will work for the best and maybe he just needs the space.  I’m not going to put my life on hold though, just give me a bit more time to recover from the disappointment and I’m off again

Been away since forever

So just what have I been up to?  Been so incredibly busy, I think all I might need right about now is a good long holiday.  But,things have been going fairly well.  The dude at work turned out to be just that…….. eye candy .  Now to the really big news ….. I finally met someone I really like, I mean I really really like .  Amazing, I was fed up with looking and this guy pitches up and totally sweeps me off my feet , as long as he doesn’t think he’s going to hand me the broom .  A little bit more is that he spoils me rotten, takes Deon into consideration and is part of everything (or nearly) everything we do .  He is considerate, kind and we talk about anything and everything and it’s just like I’ve been waiting for this person for so long.  But am nervous too :/. Just really not in the mood to get my heart stepped on and broken.  Am trying to take this one day at a time but already feels like I can’t help but to feel something so special for this guy.  I’m infatuated thus far.  Here’s hoping that we go far .

Kidz

Sometimes kids can be so entertaining, at other times frustrating. 

Here, mister is digging for dinosaur bones.  All sweet and innocent, mud in and out the house, but thats okay, we have prehistoric remains in our garden .  Now just to verify them and that is is not building rubble from when they built the place .  When that Moola comes in, mom can afford to have them plant some new grass over the holes he was making in destroying my garden :O.  But thats okay, it’s fascinating the way the imagination works .  And boy, does he have one.

You may notice that I have not written much about Michael.  What can I say, other than when it comes to this child, I feel like I have totally failed him.  He has always been such a loveable little boy, but the teenage hormones have turned him into a monster that nobody can do anything with.  I have gone to see a social worker and she’s helping me work through some things so we can try and get him on the right track again.

Wish me luck

Cute guy :P

Okay so we have this really cute guy who started working with us a few months ago.  The first thing I remember about this guy was that he has these abosulutely beautiful blue eyes and dark hair (wouldn’t be so hot if the hair was blonde ).  So with us being in the interior decorating industry and most of the gents batting for the wrong team, and him being a very soft person, most of us put it down to the fact that he must be gay .  We get the news that no, in actual fact he’s not :O.  At least I don’t think the rumours of what the ladies were discussing ever got to him, at least.  But definitely the type of guy who’s so sweet, your mother would love him .

Now, because I am the only single available lady in his age range, the ladies are threatening to organise that we go on a date :O.  Haha, would actually be funny if they got that right.  I get stressed even thinking about just talking to a man :/. 

Well anyway, he comes through to my office this morning and gives me a compliment about how beautiful I look today , you get 10 points just for that one .  then while I’m in the stationery room he comes through just to do some shopping but doesn’t exactly know what he needs.  Erm, sometimes wonder if I am just blind to things that could be right in front of me.  But then again if I think of possibilities I get so petrified.  Maybe I won’t think anymore, overanalyzing, just be friendly and go on with just the possibility of making a good friend.

I am strong

The reason I started this blog in the first place was to find a way to say goodbye.  It never even really ended up that way.  What I did do, was I wrote a letter and tore it up, while looking up at a group of stars, we agreed to look up to when he had to do his military service, and said goodbye.  It was just that some of the things I had to say was so personal and actually having strangers read what I wanted to say I just couldn’t put it down here .  So today I just feel like just contemplating about where my life is right now. 

I think I am a helluva strong person.  I never really had one of those easy cruises in life and if anybody says did you ever experience this or that?  Chances are I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt and smoked it.  None of this was ever as bad as experiencing the loss of my soul mate.  It took me forever to let go, and had to give up feeling guilty and forgive person/s who caused this.  That was hard.  The fear of saying goodbye, thinking that by doing this I was giving up on the love I felt for him.  Yes, I still love him and I believe I always will, but after I said goodbye, it was more a feeling of farewell. 

I survived.  From going from 2 salaries to one, if I look back at that first year, I can’t believe I got through it.  Things always had a way of going up and down.  I took over a management position after that year, that put me in a better position financially.  Did it for 2 years and I hated it .  I’d rather be the person standing behind the kahuna and pushing them forward.  So I fixed it, and moved to the big city to take a step down with the same company.  Something I also thought I would never be able to do.  It was tough again, salary was less and city life certainly cost more.  Prospects with this company no longer seemed ideal, so I decided to start studying further to finally get that diploma and start going after a better job, but life was still lonely with nobody to just be there to help take care of the boys when I needed a break.  So we needed to fix that to, so move from the south to the north to be closer to my sister so we could end up helping each other out when we needed someone.  Did this move when I found a job in the same area (travelling here is hectic).  But joys apon joys, I soon realised that the owner of this place was someone who loved money so much that he wouldn’t mind ruining people to to pull a fast buck, but held on looking for the right place.  Things took a bit too long and the reserve bank stepped in to shut him down.  Okay I knew it would happen, but really, that was just a bit too fast.  I went for my first interview and got the job at a way bigger salary (I think I feel a change in the winds, says I) .  I am still here, and have worked my way around again, but I love my job that I’ve finally settled into.  I have survived, I am strong, I am so much further than I thought possible.

What has happened with my boys in all this, we are still working on.  Michael, is still living with my folks, and have learned that if I use incentives, I can get him to buckle down.  I miss him alot, and am not a bad mother because he’s not living with me, it’s just for reasons of sanity.  He has hit adolescence with avengence, and because I felt guilty for their loss I ended up doing more harm than good.  I love him, but is working better this way, before we ended up as headlines in the newspaper.  Deon, has never really had a male role model in his life.  He is seeing a occupational therapist as he’s not as advanced as other children his age, but we’re working on getting all his problems sorted out too.  I wonder sometimes that if he did have one, if it would have helped him at all.  But we have survived, we’ve still got tons of work, but we’re getting there.

There is absolutely no relationship in my life, not due to lack of trying.  I’ve been hurt way too many times now, that I am no longer looking.  I suppose that if God had someone fall into my lap, I’d end up shoving him off.  I suppose I have been lucky to have loved and been loved once, many don’t even get that one chance.  If somebody had to come along now and drop his underpants on the floor for me to pick up?  He’d better be wearing a crash helmet, because I’ll have a brick handy to clobber him one .  Okay, so I’m not entirely closed or given up on the idea of being with someone again, but I’m not going to go out of my way to find it.

Otherwise the latest healthwise ect. has already been put up here.  I’m keeping myself positive about what the future holds.  I will face one day as it comes and experience everything I can.

DUST

‘A house becomes a home when you can write ‘I love you’ on the furniture.’

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just
perfect – ‘in case someone came over’
Finally I realised one day that no-one came over;
they were all out living life and having fun!
 
NOW, when people visit, I don’t have to explain the ‘condition’ of my home.

They are more interested in hearing about the things I’ve been doing while I
was away living life and having fun.
If you haven’t figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must ………….

but wouldn’t it be better to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?!
Dust if you must, but there’s not much time . . . .
with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb ,
music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there with the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must ,
but bear in mind, old age will come and it’s not kind. . .
And when you go – and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!

 

 

 

Update

Sheesh, been quite a whole since I posted.  Grief, time to wake up out of this fugue. 

Okay so we started the meds and every second day it’s finding a new place to inject.  Believe it or not….. I am doing this myself .  (Hark, I hear a horn blowing in the distance ).  It’s not difficult at all.  Am finding it so easy and no side effects thus far. 

Woke up with the flu last week, and as usual become a real male when I’m sick.  Yep, I WANT MY MOMMY .  Those are the days when things get extremely difficult and just want someone to take care of me for a bit .  Just have felt so damn exhausted and wishing that I had a little wand so that the house could just miraculously be cleaned (Ugh, a bomb hit and am living in the aftermath at the moment).  As for Deon and the little behaviour chart, mom has gone into anything for peace mode, which I know I shouldn’t but give me a break okay?

Michael has been a total angel.  Sweetness itself.  This thing of do for me and I’ll do for you seems to work with him.  Other than that my mother outlaw has been on the go again.  She won’t ask my mom anything but prefers to phone me who is hours away, to moan about rubbish.  Of course pills that she gave Michael were taken away.  Hello, if the headache’s not gone in an hour he’ll help himself again :O.  Don’t have to be a genius for that one.

Other than the bitching parts, things are REALLY going okay.  I have a wonderful family who will always do anything they can for me.  What more could anybody really ask for ?

Getting somewhere

So we are starting on betaferon on Monday.  Can’t wait but also nervous with reading about side effects.  Wonder if reading all this info is such a good idea, because you read some pretty scary stuff.  I get so fed up with myself sometimes.  I can forget the simplest things.  Duh, its enough to drive you to distraction.  I can’t have a bloomin hot bath, and believe me thats the worst part for me especially with it being the middle of winter here .  Okay enough moaning .

I have decided to give Deon a chart with a few things that need to be done daily.  He gets either a smiley face or a frowny face for what was done or not done.  This determines if he deserves even the smallest things like sweets, the longer he keeps up, the more he can expect.  I just totally let both go when Rudi died.  I can definitely kick myself for that now but at the time you end up feeling so sorry for them, but in the end all you have are these monsters who appreciate absolutely nothing.  I love them to death but I certainly did not do them any favours.  But this is another mountain, and what doesn’t kill me will certainly make me stronger.

Okay, starting to feel like Hercules already